I'm Shocked: July 2, 2010

Oh my freaking gosh. Okay, let me blog about my life here. Okay, I just graduated in May, but while I was in highschool, throughout my junior and senior year there was this guy. I had the biggest crush on him. And it was known. Our group of friends knew, he knew..everything. Well, I thought he was gay and I was always sure he was. Until he started dating a friend of mine which was a girl. Well, even after that I still thought he was gay but I just kinda gave up. You know, you just can't keep dreaming and hoping for something that isnt there. So in my head, I just see him as my gay acting straight friend. He was my best guy friend in highschool. We had are little fights here and there, but he always stood out over all my friends. For instance, if I had a prob, I would ask everyone but rlly only listen to his. Anyways, he came out to me. He reallly is gay. Now, of all times, I'm lost. My highschool crush, gay. Not only is he gay, but he has had a boyfriend for almost two months. And not only that, but when he gets sad about something, I talk to him about it. The fact of him being gay is amazing, but can I really say anything? I'm not a home wrecker and I'm sure if he knew that I still thought the world of him it wouldn't really change anything. And at first, he wouldn't tell me the guy he was dating. But yesterday I found out. And it made me realize that he doesn't date for looks. He must clearly date for personality. Which makes me wonder, am I a bad person? Whats wrong with me. Ugly? Annoying? Weird? idk. But if this guy makes him happy, then, thats okay with me. I just wonder why he never came out to me. I wouldn't have told anyone... Or maybe he just needed to wait till after grad for his own insanity. But it still leaves me wondering "what if" ya know. So for now, my best guy friend is now truely gay. So, I guess this is the part where I stop crushing on him and just be there as a friend. Funny thing is, I remember tlking about my boyfriends at the lunch table. I would talk loud just to be sure he would hear me lol. Hoping something would be said and he would just finally come out. Fact being that I would have dropped anyone for him in a heartbeat. Seems like almost everyone I dated, in my head, I compared them to him in some way. But as I said, it's just water under the bridge now. I should have told him sooner, but I didn't want to ruin a friendship. And I don't think I should tell him now because I don't want to ruin our friendship. So, this is where I need you guys. I have over 100 views and I only have like 5 blogs so I know someone is reading this. Just tell me, what should I do? What would you do in this situation? If you don't want to leave a comment, feel free to email me at todd172009@aol.com

Until next time, Todd Etress